When I was very young, I think I happily believed in a God who loved me, sent angels to watch over me, and the Holy Spirit to guide me. But childhood brought experiences that caused some doubt to creep into my mind. Then more hard things happened. People can be cruel, and evil can touch even young lives. Those experiences began to erode my child-like faith – one that was more like a belief in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy. I was told as a child to ask Jesus for help, and he would answer my prayers. I believed it, but when bad things happened, I assumed it was because I had been bad, that I had not prayed in the right way. It left me pretty confused as a teenager. And as teen years gave way to young adulthood, even more of life’s sorrows came my way. Why did God help Mrs. Rita find her lost keys after fervent prayer, but did not rescue me from danger when I begged for help? Where had I gone wrong?
It has taken a long time to reconcile a belief in divine guidance, miracles, and answered prayers, with the reality of human free-will…that bad things can and do happen to good people. There were many events and experiences in my journey since then that have helped me believe in a loving God. Parents, pastors, teachers, and friends each played a part in this journey of faith for me. But in many ways, I always remember one conversation as an important pivot-point, a watershed moment. One simple sentence from a respected professor in college has stayed with me and comforted me along my journey. It was simply this: “I have questions, too.” Perhaps this does not sound profound, but to me it was a moment where someone I highly respected admitted to me that not everything was always crystal clear, easily delineated, or even comfortable. I thought that any doubt or questions on my part demonstrated that I had already failed in my faith journey. I felt at fault for asking tough questions, for not having “enough faith.”
By saying that simple sentence to me, Dr Harry Leonard, my history professor at Newbold, began a series of conversations that helped me understand that faith was not always simple…that even those whom I admired and looked up to had questions, had doubts, had times in which they were unsure. Seeing that Dr. Leonard’s faith was still strong despite asking questions and having some doubts, made me feel safe in my own questioning.
I doubt Harry Leonard ever really knew how pivotal that one conversation was for me. And as I have moved through life, I repay his care and kindness the only way I know how…by listening to those who have doubts and admitting the same to them. “I have questions, too.” There is safety and comfort in that sentence. I worship a God who wants me to ask deep questions and ponder troubling things. I now realize that prayer is not supposed to be merely a one-way street where I make requests, but also and most importantly a chance for me to express gratitude and even ask questions.
Never doubt that one simple sentence can have a mighty impact.