Verse six of the 23rd Psalm starts like this, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.” Surely – I am certain, I have not doubts, it will happen; I know this to be true.
How did David know with such certainty that goodness and mercy would follow him for the rest of his life? Can I claim that goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life? Let me tell you what happened to me not too long ago.
I was spending some time with a friend when he suggested we go for a walk. We took the path that wandered through the forest toward the river. As the rushing waters came into view I was drawn to the shore. In a moment of carelessness I slipped on a rock and tumbled into the dark current. I was helpless to resist the pull of its icy grip. My cries for help went unanswered. All I could do was keep my head above the water that was determined to overcome me. My desperate cries for help were of no avail.
It seemed like hours went by. Then I saw it. There was a sandbar reaching into the water. The currents tossed me onto the cold sand. As I stumbled to my feet I saw my companion on the opposite shore. It looked like he was holding some dry clothes. The river was not as deep at this point and I was able to wade to the far shore. He handed me the dry clothes. Still shaken I changed and joined my companion who was sitting on a bench a few feet from the river.
My confusion was clouded by seething anger. “Where were you? Why didn’t you help me? You could have. Why didn’t you?”
His soft, gentle voice is still seared into my consciousness, “I was there. You did not reach up and take my hand.”
Then I knew. Years before I had been caught in the icy grip of an unfortunate situation that I could not escape. I repeatedly pleaded to my God for help. Where was he when I needed him so desperately? Now I know. He was there. I just did not reach up and take his hand.
By now you may be wondering if any of this really happened. Yes, it did. I did fall into a river. I don’t know the name of the river. I could not point it out on a map. I did not actually get wet; there were no dry clothes, but it was still very real.
My God was showing me why I had felt so abandoned those many years ago. This assurance came during my time of contemplative prayer. I set aside time each day to spend with my Bible and my God. It started with my reading the book of Mark and finding joy in becoming part of the story—seeing the hillsides, trees, people, river, villages and hearing in my mind the voice of Jesus. I started asking questions and answers would come in unexpected ways. These experiences have a reality of their own. This was one of those times.
Why has it taken years to get the answer to my question, “Where was God when I needed help the most?” I believe those answers come at a point in our lives when we can hear that answer and recognize its truth. God was there all along. Why did I miss that? I know that now as well. I have a carefully-written script as to how my life should be. How God should answer my pleas is part of the script. It is my script and not God’s. Letting go of preconceived notions and making space for God to act has come slowly and sometimes painfully.
Surely goodness and mercy have been following me. They will continue to do so for the rest of my life. God gives us the grace and clarity of thought to accept God’s answers when we still our busy minds and quiet our restless hearts. I am sure of that!
Barbara Howe Djordjevic is a retired nurse who enjoys serving as a volunteer chaplain at the Desert Regional Medical Center in Palm Springs.