It didn’t take me long to reaffirm that God does exist. After all, I could not deny the real experiences I’d had with God in the past. But what I struggled with was regaining an understanding of God’s true love and care for me. My mind had crafted a very distant and insensitive image of God, to the extent that encountering the words, “Relax, probably God does not exist,” on an image of a bus in Europe surprisingly gave me comfort. I had shaped a picture in my mind of an arbitrary, insensitive, and uninvolved God, and the words “probably God does not exist” were soothing to my soul. After all, who wants a God with such a character to exist?
During that time, I had this idea lingering in my mind – that when Jesus returns, I might not be saved. This idea was based on nothing I did. It was a mental imagery of the end of time where I, desiring to be with Jesus, would hear the response, “No, there is no place for you.” One night, this mental imagery persisted, causing me significant distress, and I was helpless to correct it. Deep down inside, I knew that there was something inherently wrong with this image of God, but for some reason, it felt so real, that I could not free my mind from it. After a few minutes of going through the turmoil of this scenario in my mind, I decided to redirect my thoughts and I logged onto Facebook to distract my mind. Immediately, as soon as I opened Facebook, the first thing I saw on my feed page was a scripture that my father had quoted and posted in Arabic. “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom” (Luke 12:32). In that precise moment, the truth of the gospel destroyed all the lies that I believed. God‘s word breathed truth and life into my soul. And the fact that my father had chosen to quote this verse in Arabic, my mother tongue, made it even more profound, as the words penetrated so deep to reach my broken heart. I knew that I am passionately loved and wanted.
I grew up with a loving father who always quoted this verse in Arabic, among so many others, to show me the beauty of God’s character. But somehow, in the midst of all my questioning and struggling, I forgot this verse. God had to remind me, through the scripture, of who God really is so I could confidently shatter all the lies I had constructed about God and God’s character. I knew how much my father loves me, and for him to share this verse, at a time when I needed it the most, reminded me of how much more my Heavenly Father loves me.
In the midst of all my questioning, I embraced false images of God to the point of finding peace in the idea of God’s nonexistence. When God revealed the truth of God’s beautiful character through the scriptures, there was no more room left for the false beliefs about who God is in my mind. The good news of the gospel reminded me of a loving Father who loves me and desires to be eternally connected with me. The truth of the scripture demolished all the lies I believed and allowed me to come into an intimate relationship with God again, grounded on trust.
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom” (Luke 12:32) – a scripture I heard countless times as a child from my loving father. Yet, when encountered 10 years ago, through the lens of the same loving father, it had a profound transformative effect on my whole life. This word of God and the truth of the gospel shared at that specific moment of my journey were life-giving to me!