Day 8 – Breath

“Maybe the place we can experience the wonder of this season is in the moments we stop and listen to our very own breathing…and to realize the Divine with us is not in a building we must journey to, but is in the animating breath of what makes us alive” (Erickson, 73).

4-7-8. 4-2-4. 4-4-4-4.

For anyone that practices mindful breathing, these numbers are familiar. As someone who has anxiety, they are my lifeline. While working on my PhD, my counselor taught me different breathing techniques to help my anxiety. The key to this successful practice, she explained, was in the mundane daily practice. By practicing my breathing even on good days when it didn’t feel like I needed it, it would help build the “muscle memory” so on bad days it would come easier. My body would understand that as I began to breathe it was supposed to calm down and pay attention to the breath. But because breathing is a mundane task, I find it is a habit that sometimes slips from my daily routine when things are going well in life. Then when life happens–because life happens for all of us–my breathing practice works back into my daily routine.

There is power in the breath. Hebrew scholars believe the name of God, Yahweh–YHWH without the vowels–is the sound of breath (Mark Batterson). In the hard times where prayer seems impossible, just the act of breathing reminds us that God is with us. As Erickson writes, “What does it say about a God who is willing to be this present with us? A God who is everywhere at once, a God whom the world cannot contain, yet who has been present with humanity…[even] in our very breath” (72). There have been so many times in my life where I can’t find words; prayer feels too hard and all I can do is fall back on my breathing routine. There is a reason I have a Spotify playlist called Anxiety; the songs in that playlist say what I can’t. “Broken Hallelujah,” “Just Be Held,” and “Breathe” are just a few songs on that list. For me, each of these songs is a prayer when I can’t find words, and a reminder that I am not alone.

As I said, life happens for all of us, and this year has been no exception for me. This year I decided to test the “in sickness and in health” part of our vows. The last ten months have been filled with trips to the ER, urgent care, more doctors visits and procedures than I can count, and three surgeries. So many times this year I have been left in the realm of the unknown–a place anxiety thrives. Through every step, my husband Chris has been by my side with my Spotify playlist, Calm app ready, and every video of baby animals and babies giggling he can find on Instagram. While all of this is helpful, the most powerful tool in my arsenal has been breathing. Through all of the pain and all of the unknowns, I don’t need words–I just need to breathe and know God is there. For me, there is great calm and peace in my breathing practice. In that calm I find gratitude–for my support system, Christmas decorations, and baby animal videos to name a few–and gratitude is the antidote to fear and anxiety. It’s amazing how that comes full circle and shows the power of the breath.

I don’t know what you’re going through this holiday season, but remember when there are no words, all you have to do is breathe.

Breathe in–two, three, four.

Hold–two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Breathe out–two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.