Blogging Through the Seasons

I leaned against my son, leaned into his frame for acknowledgment of pain. I apologized for failing. Failing to provide, failing for the example of an adult getting up and heading to work each day. Failing to insure his safety in reliance upon my successes. It was time to be honest.

Have you had a dark night of your soul? I have. Diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune deficiency in 2014, I learned that my particular immunodeficiency restricts me from sick people, crowds, shaking hands, and hugging. Did I mention that I’m a healthcare Chaplain?

I usually look forward to the holidays, that season between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. But when they arrive, I find myself resenting the cultural message within which I am embedded to “shop until you drop.” Beginning with Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, I am incessantly reminded to spend money on myself and others. Even the trappings of Christmas, such as carols and Santa and decorated trees, seem intrusive. Isn’t the story about peace and goodwill to all mankind? Why does it feel so frenetic and driven? Does everyone else feel this way also?

Two Christmas seasons ago on a cold Friday evening as I am crossing the street to catch my train, a man on a bicycle approaches and calls out my name. “How are you? I have not seen you in a while?”

I say, “Fine, and how about you?”

“Not so good. I am homeless and living by the train tracks. I feel like jumping in front of a freight train and ending it.”

Wow. Not the type of words I want to hear after an exhausting work week. . . .

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated with the passage of time. Visualizing the timelines of human history became part of my life’s work as an historian, but even as early as 5th grade, I realized that my mind measured the cycles of time in shapes and colors. To make sense of a long past, humans have organized time, by hours, days, decades, centuries, eras, and ages.

When we skip Advent and go straight to Christmas, we neglect to understand that “Peace on earth, goodwill to all” is a statement that our world, our communities, and likely ourselves aren’t at peace. In the midst of political turmoil and wars, in the midst of refugees and immigrants, in the midst of looming depression and loss of loved ones, so many of us cry out, “Where is God? Where is the Divine presence in this?”