My first mending took place after my former girlfriend got pregnant and her baby’s father left her. I was a staunch advocate of bachelorhood and no kids, and I had immigrated from Switzerland to Australia a couple of years prior. Some inexplicable force compelled me to “hang around” and be present at the birth of her child.
When I saw this little sausage, helpless, vulnerable, and utterly dependent on others for the first time, something totally unexpected happened. An incredible sense of “this child needs a father and protector” came over me, unwanted, inconvenient, unexpected, and completely out of character, but so strong I could taste it. In hindsight, it clearly was God preparing me for things to come, mending my selfishness.
The tearing down happened after we moved the family back to Switzerland. We were married for three years by then, had another child (a son), and we had agreed that no matter what, I would be the one telling our daughter, when I felt the time was right, that I was not her physical dad. One day, as I came home from work, my then 7-year-old girl came running out to the garage, flung herself at me, held on for dear life, and sobbingly told me that “you are still my dad.” I held her tight, trying to soothe her, but wondering what on earth had happened. Turns out that my then-wife, behind my back, had reconnected with my daughter’s biological father, had arranged for a meeting at Zurich airport during one of his business trips, and during that visit had introduced my baby girl to him, telling her that he was her real father. Pure trauma for a 7-year-old.
The following days, weeks, months, and years I desperately tried to reassure my girl and work through things with my then-wife, navigating the treacherous course under my own steam. Sadly, it was the beginning of a downward slide in our relationship that ended in divorce 15 years later. My daughter and her mother have not spoken to each other in years.
The second mending came, when one night, in a hotel room in Melbourne, Australia, after I had come back from a meeting with a family lawyer, who told me I had absolutely no legal rights in respect to my daughter, I sank on my knees and said: “God, I cannot do this anymore. I’m at the end of my wits. I’m so scared of losing my kids. Please help me. I’m ready to surrender. I give up. Please God, please!”
And he has been mending me ever since, helping me on my journey to become a better father, husband, and human. I have a wonderful relationship with both of my children. They both adore my wife, Cindy, and our lives are truly blessed. And my hope continues for a reconciliation between my daughter and her mother. Fortunately this issue is outsourced to the man upstairs. He is a very good mender.
Stephan Herzog is the Executive Director of the American Board of Lifestyle Medicine and has been attending La Sierra University Church with Cindy since 2011.