My world shattered. The moment seared into memory. The pain still felt.
February has become a very difficult month for me. The feelings start creeping up on me as early as January. I start to become more irritable and distant. My heart and soul still shattered, my body still trying to protect me. My loving wife usually notices and names it first. I resist because my thoughts are not there, but everything else clearly is. All the hurt and pain of that moment bubbling to the surface. All the other hurts that have become interwoven with that terrible day.
I am one of the men’s deans at Sierra Towers at La Sierra University. While attending a division event, the security chief came up to the other men’s dean and me and asked if we had heard there was a report of a suicide in our building. We immediately got the quick update and limited information and made our way back to the dorm. Concerns, worry, next steps, possibilities, all swirled through our heads. We spoke out our plan.
Once in the dorm, we got to our office to use the limited information provided to try and figure out who and where. We made our way up to the room. We knocked and entered. No one was there, but it felt off. Unfortunately, in my job I had performed these types of wellness checks before, but this felt different. Something was wrong about the room. My colleague went to search the common areas and he called my name from the bathroom.
I knew by the tone of his voice that this was not good. In the bathroom I knelt down next to our resident and began assessing the situation. We called for help. I rendered aid the best I could. Help arrived after what seemed like far, far too long.
Our resident was taken to the hospital. We gave incident reports to campus security and to the Riverside Police Department. We tried to process all that had happened. He didn’t make it.
It was hard to not feel like we had failed in our duty. He was my resident under my care. The whole residence hall community felt and mourned the loss. We worked to take the next step forward through our collective grief.
As any classic male, I wish I could “fix” it and be able to move on. I am a destination sort of person, not a journey sort of person. Yet, this is a journey and I am still piecing myself back together.
It hasn’t been easy and it has taken all of me to work and to put the pieces of me back together. I lean into my faith. I feel the love and embrace of God, his arms wrapped around me and his voice comforting me. I feel the love and support of close family and friends. I work with my counselor. I work to grow myself and I listen to music, particularly praise and worship music.
Messages like:
“Joy comes, tears fall
I’m learning there is beauty in it all
It’s not hard to find it, you just have to look
Oh, God is good”
God is Good by Francesca Battistelli
“Peace be still
Say the word and I will
Set my feet upon the sea
‘Til I’m dancing in the deep
Peace be still
You are here so it is well
Even when my eyes can’t see
I will trust the voice that speaks”
Peace Be Still by The Belonging Co, Lauren Daigle
I do not know what pain you may be facing or what loss you have experienced. When your world shatters that completely, it can feel impossible to put the pieces back together. Thankfully, it isn’t just up to us. We need to open ourselves up to the help of others, to lean into community and work together to move through. Even more importantly, we need to lean into our Comforter and Friend who knit us together in our mother’s womb and can knit us back together even now.
Maybe the outcome is not the one you wanted or hoped for, but you are still here. God is still here with you. Those who care about you are here with you.
My counselor has helped me to see that although this was not the victory I wanted, there was still victory. I was still victorious. And I am still unpacking and learning what victory means to me.
You are victorious, even if the outcome is not the victory you wanted.
I don’t know who else needs to hear that…
You are victorious.
Chris Kaatz loves his wife, Megan, and enjoys building a life and an amazing future together. He currently works as the Men’s Dean at Sierra Towers at La Sierra University.