Do you remember that one band from the 90’s… *NSYNC? Perhaps you remember the all-time favorite, which went something like this, “It’s tearin’ up my heart when I’m with you. But when we are apart, I feel it, too. And no matter what I do, I feel the pain. With or without you.”
As a good Seventh-day Adventist kid, being without God or Jesus was inconceivable. Family life revolved around going to church weekly, praying regularly, leading the Sabbath evening youth service, attending pathfinders, and participating in the other peculiar things our people tend to do. Learning about the second coming and “kind” Jesus was something I loved about Sabbath School, up until about middle school. It was at that time that I began learning about a “grumpy” God who likely would not like this 1990s kid who had a thing for secular music, enjoyed watching TV on the Sabbath, and well, happened to have a bit of a crush on JT (if you don’t know who that is, ask a millennial).
My journey from there is not one that is unique or unfamiliar to many, as it repeats itself quite often, but just because it’s common doesn’t make it less painful. Having to navigate through years of hearing bigoted words against God’s LGBT+ children from the pulpit, kitchen table, television, friends and family of origin, made me feel like being with God was painful and was, in fact, tearin’ up my heart. I was told that who I was as a person was irreconcilable with the God I loved and the followers that loved Them.
As a social worker, I often share with clients a concept I picked up along the way by someone wiser than me, “Figuring out what parts about you are truly you versus those that you were told were you is one of the greatest challenges for LGBT+ people.” Struggling to find out who I am, who my God is, and what communities support me is a process I will likely be engaged in until the end of my time on earth.
A worldly narrative told me that I was destined to be apart from Jesus, and I did believe it for some time. It wasn’t until I found refuge in the words of affirming ministers, mentors, friends and family that I began to see Jesus in them and feel the Holy Spirit’s presence near me. I began to meet other LGBT+ people who had been forged in the same oven, yearning to have the opportunity to simply worship God, feel God, and express their love for God in the same way all children of God have the right to do, regardless of their skin color, national origin, language, educational level, sexual orientation, or any other demographic feature that the world leverages to make us indifferent to each other.
I still love *NSYNC’s song. But I no longer feel the pain when I’m with Jesus, because I’ve seen what God has done in my heart and in the hearts of others who wake up every day as flawed and imperfect followers of a perfect Love.
Gabriel Uribe is a foodie who loves to travel the world near and far with his husband, Chase, making friends and family along the way.