In 2022 I lost my two sons to cancer. My eldest and middle child were both gone within three months of each other. I felt torn apart and my grief was deep. I was also consumed with fear that I might lose my only living child, Nicole.
And to top it all, I was questioning my identity as a mother. I felt empty inside. I was no longer the mother of Ruben and Kris. I was the mother of one child, Nicole. I knew I still had a daughter, eight grandchildren, and a new great-grandson. But I felt incomplete and couldn’t shake the question that lingered within me, “Am I enough?”
As I was working through my grief, the feeling of being incomplete kept popping up in my head. As a mother, I felt empty and guilty. I tried my best to be a good mother, friend, and confidant to my daughter. My daughter, Nicole, was also processing her own grief. I couldn’t find the courage to confide to her my own feelings of emptiness. And I was too embarrassed to tell my husband.
So at night I would pray and talk to God. I would tell my Heavenly Father my feelings and ask him to fix me. I know my sons are gone but I also know that I will see them again. However, the feelings of emptiness and not being enough persisted within me. Weeks and months went by and the feeling of emptiness grew worse. I knew I was in trouble. But I continued praying. My communication with God never ceased.
One day when I was cleaning my home, I was listening to music. I heard this song titled “Jireh” by Elevation Worship Maverick City Music. I listened to the song again and again and tears rolled down my face. As I wept, I prayed and thanked God for answering my prayers.
If you know this song you will understand my connection to it. The song says, “I’ll never be more loved than I am right now, wasn’t holding you up, so there’s nothing I can do to let you down, it doesn’t take a trophy to make you proud, I’ll never be more loved than I am right now.” And then the chorus says, “You are Jireh, you are enough, Jireh, you are enough, and I will be content in every circumstance, you are Jireh, you are enough.”
That song hit me like a ton of bricks. If my God, Jireh, is enough, I am enough as a mother. God made me a complete mother and he hasn’t taken my title or identity away, despite losing my sons. God reminded me that I am complete. I am enough as a mother.
It has almost been three years since my sons’ departure from this earth. I continue to miss my sons, but I know that I will see them soon. Today I can say, “Jireh you are enough and I am a mother of two sons and one beautiful, vibrant, living daughter. My sons are absent from this earth, but they are not absent from my heart and mind. I will continue to cherish and love my sons in their absence. However, I am content in my circumstance because Jireh, you are enough.”
God has used this beautiful song, “Jireh,” and other people in my church community to remind me that I am enough.
Elizabeth Wright and her husband Darrin are the Directors of our Food Pantry+.