“‘Let it be to me according to your word.’ Luke 1:38 ESV” (Erickson, 51).
I am at the age where many conversations with family and friends dance around the “where’s” and “when’s” of retirement. While retirement is still several years away, Rob and I identified a few years ago that we wanted to live in a 55+ community and enjoy an active retirement lifestyle. We had lots of different ideas as to where this might be, and we always imagined it in the future – until this summer when we realized we didn’t have to wait. If we were staying in California we could move right away. So, we did – three weeks ago!
And now, as I reflect on the theme for today’s blog, “unease,” I think, “What is there unease about??? – Everything!!”
I am tired.
There are boxes everywhere. It’s a struggle each day to get ready for work and fix meals because I am still learning where things are.
Loved ones are sick, resilient adults knocked down by bad flu and wee ones struggling to breathe in the hospital.
I work at the university, and we are almost to the end of the quarter which means papers to grade, meetings, etc., all with looming deadlines. Then, of course, new classes to prep for the upcoming winter quarter.
And I’m tired…
And it’s Christmas time.
I get grouchy when I hear Christmas music because it reminds me there are presents to decide on, purchase, and wrap. The Christmas decoration boxes are buried, and I want to leave them there.
But I love Christmas. Aren’t we supposed to be taking time to meditate on the “true meaning of Christmas”? That feels like one more thing I’m not doing well.
And did I say I’m TIRED?
I just stepped outside to help a family member with something. The night is peaceful here in my new neighborhood. It feels ever so calm. And I sense the faintest whisper, “this is what matters” – breathing in the peace.
Erickson’s questions for this section allow for honest reflection:
What is the conversation I can have only by being in this situation?
I am reminded that “stuff” doesn’t matter. My boxes are filled with things I felt worthy of moving here. But they don’t help me love more or be a better friend. Christmas decorations are nice, but they don’t bring Christmas. My boxes will get unpacked, but my life is outside the boxes – not inside them.
What parts of my life have I been able to uncover only by finding myself here?
As tired as I am, I am thrilled to be starting this new chapter and very grateful we were able to make this move when we did. When I stand in my gratitude, I feel energy and goodness – and it doesn’t seem to matter if my boxes are unpacked or not. When I stand in my gratitude, I see all that I have, not all that I have to do.
What unexpected place might God want to meet me in during this uneasy time I’m experiencing?
I think God wants to meet me before my “to do” list; before I pile on the expectations. Before the “shoulds”. He wants to meet in the peace that reminds me of his goodness and grace. Because as I can allow grace for myself amidst the unease of now, I have so much more room to offer it to others.
Erickson writes, “The process of growth is always uneasy, because growth never comes through ease. It comes through the stretching and expanding of one’s own capacity to push on ahead” (Erickson, 53).
May you be stretched and expanded in all the ways needed to lead you to the peace of God this beautiful season.
Daphne Thomas is a wife, mom, g’ma, and social worker. She and her husband, Rob, just moved to Banning, California.