The darkness can be overwhelming.
It was a regular occurrence to wake suddenly at 3 am and just lay there, praying for the desire to go back to sleep and maybe just not wake up the next morning. It wasn’t a prayer to end my life, but I desperately needed an emotional and physical break from an overwhelming few months. Months that had been filled with career challenges, relationship shifts, and the rigors of attempting to be a present husband, father, friend, employee, and new student in a master’s program. I wanted to give my all, 100%, to everything always, and it felt like it was all falling apart around me because of my inability to keep it all organized neatly. I was exhausted and just wanted to rest.
After weeks of this, I knew I needed help, but I wasn’t sure where to go or what to do. I attempted to find a therapist, but waiting lists were months long before I could schedule an appointment. I knew I was surrounded by friends that loved me, but I convinced myself didn’t want to burden them.
Then the text showed up on my phone, “Hey man, just checking in.” It was such a simple message – not one of wanting to offer suggestions or help, but just a brother reaching out to say, “I’m here.” He didn’t fully know what I was navigating and dealing with, and it didn’t matter to him. What mattered was that he hadn’t heard from me in a while and wanted to just “check in.” It ended up being the catalyst to very open and honest conversations where I wasn’t offered platitudes or reminders that my life is wonderful. This brother just listened and was present as I unloaded the mess in my mind.
The check-ins became daily. I needed a friend to “sit in the mud” with me. Not to necessarily attempt to pull me out of the darkness. Not to provide solutions, but to sit with me. To just be with me through this difficult time and transition.
I needed to be reminded that while the moment was dark, I had a safe space to be authentically me. May we each find those that allow us to be ourselves fully, even when we are not fun to be around.
My family and I are grateful to have found our church home at LSUC, where we can truly be our authentic selves and be accepted as such. Where our faults don’t separate us but provide us a connection with others who are struggling. Where we can be reminded who we truly are, beautifully imperfect, but perfectly loved children of the Creator.
“May I be surrounded by loved ones who remind me who I am when I forget. I will forget.”
K.C. Hohensee is a husband, father, and the guy on drums most weeks at church. He loves music, off-roading, adventures with his family, and most importantly, hearing people’s stories.
These reflections stand alone, but if you want to enjoy the prayers from May It Be So that they’re based on, please click here to request a copy of the book.