I suffer from depression. As a matter of fact, as I am drafting this reflection, I have just returned from having consulted with my physician about adjusting the dosage of my medication. So, the words from today’s prayer particularly resonate with me: “May I never allow disappointment to lead me into despair but always toward a more resilient and active hope.”
As many of you, I have experienced numerous disappointments. I have always been very ambitious, perhaps to a fault. I have always nurtured the thought that I can achieve more and as a result I have developed a drive to be more, to accomplish more, to distinguish myself from others. Perhaps that’s because as a young man I was painfully aware that I would have to work twice as hard for half the recognition (if any) that others would receive.
Inevitably in my drive and efforts to distinguish myself from others there have been ceilings I have not been able to break, rooms that have remained closed, and teams to which I was not invited.
It was during one of those moments of receiving another one of those letters, you know the one: “thanks, but no thanks,” that I distinctly heard the words “there is a place of quiet rest…” It was the lyrics to that precious hymn Near to the Heart of God.
How did those words get into my brain? I don’t know. All I know is that at that moment, as I was being invited to reevaluate my sense of self-worth, I was also being led to the realization that I was deeply loved and that nothing would ever change that. I was being invited to believe in that grace that I claimed to believe in. But more importantly, I was being invited to appropriate that grace as mine.
I am ashamed to share this, but it is true. A long time ago I shared with Pastor Stuart Tyner that I felt grace was something of a consolation prize. Something given to those that didn’t achieve or obtained what they wanted. I still remember the kindness in his eyes as he looked at me when I said that.
The truth is, ultimately it has been grace that has led me to believe that I need not despair over disappointments. Grace has helped me realize that, even though in the estimate of others I may not be “the right fit,” in the eyes of my Loving Father, I will always be “the right fit” for his loving embrace.
His loving embrace has become the representation of his grace in my life. And his embrace has become the source of my resilience and hope.
There have been other disappointments, and I am sure there will be more to come, but in the loving embrace of my God I know that I will always be enough.
Josh Anguiano has thrived through the friendships and ministry of the La Sierra University Church.